Chapter 15 - Updated

Chapter 15- Jael


Once they finally left me I let my mask slip. Curling into a ball in the middle of my bed I let the tears run freely. Keeping them in check was beginning to wear on my control. The dancing shadows on the wall from the flames flickering in the hearth seem to mirror the churning feeling in my stomach. The dead connection at my core is a constant reminder of what I lost and the reason for the flow of tears. The anxiety that made eating impossible stems from the dread of another dead connection. The possibility that at any moment my brother could be another lifeless tie, the potential of it was too much to think about.

Turning to bury my face deep in the covers and hugging myself more tightly, I finally reach into myself and register my connections. Avoiding the dark cord as much as possible I reach out and lightly touch all of my connections at once. The general feeling is one of concern. No doubt all of those I am bonded to felt me lose control. They are all a bit sensitive to my moods even when I am in full control. To feel the raw emotion that must have touched them all would have been at the least surprising.

Jon, sensing me, stops mid conversation with Uncle Draken and withdraws into himself. “Jael, are you ok?” He whispers. I can tell he is worried about me being able to continue my journey.

“Does it matter?,” I reply lamely. “I told him I would protect you, I promised.”

I sense his worry increase. Frustrated I whisper over the distance, “I can handle this Jon.” Can I? The thought of Jon’s blood on my hands solidifies my resolve. “Don’t worry Jon. Kind Reykjavik won’t touch you. I won’t let my connections be my weakness again. ” I break our connection before he can respond.

Angry with myself for letting the tears return, I dash them from my cheeks. Tears fix nothing. Grandfather is gone and crying about it solves nothing. The sick feeling from my stomach at the thought of his dead connection works its way into my chest, squeezing at my heart.

Taking a deep breath, I push the feeling down and try to ignore it. I won’t let this pain take me over. All that matters now is that I keep going. I will not let my feelings be the reason I do not succeed. It is better to feel nothing then to feel the pain.

Finally understanding what I must do, I close my eyes and close myself off from my connections. I block them all until only my thoughts and emotions are inside of me. Even my emotions I push down until all I feel is my resolve to keep going. I feel icy inside, numb. Numb is bliss.