Chapter 17 - New

Chapter 17- Jael

Curled up in the window seat of my room, I let a tear escape my icy hold. The tear feels warm sliding down my cheek. Ice is better I keep telling myself. The flood of Jayden’s emotions battering at me almost broke my hold on the icy calm needed to keep my connections locked away. I miss him terribly. For the first time in my life I feel truly alone, no one to share my feelings or thoughts. Jayden has been such a staple in my mind. I feel empty without him. I am realizing how much I rely on his sense of humor and optimism to offset my brooding.

Why am I doing this? Park of me asks for the millionth time. Because my power must become a tool to save Jon not something I am scared of, I berate that small voice in the back of my mind. It continues to plague my thoughts. I will use my gift how it needs to be used. I will not let myself be emotionally crippled because of my connections. They will make me weak again if I let them. Squashing the voice, I seal my mind in ice and stand to leave. Taking one last fleeting look around the room that holds such bitterness, sadness, and pain, I leave. Leave behind my homeland, my weakness, and embrace the ice.

~

Walking into the common room, ice flowing in my veins, I see Kavan and the innkeeper waiting by the door. Seizing my riding gloves from Kavan without even so much of a look in his direction I brush past the innkeeper without a word. Walking into the courtyard, ignoring the nervous looks from my entire party, I mount Samson and take the lead from the courtyard out into the bustling street. “Direct me to the ship Tristin,” I project directly into Tristin’s mind without opening the connection and the possibility of touching his emotions. His silence irritates me so I turn in my saddle to regard him coolly. Blood drains from his face as frost fills my gaze. Raising an eyebrow I wait for him to collect himself.

“Down this lane and then east to the harbor,” he responds his usual solid voice quivering slightly. “Would you like me to lead the way Lady?”

Dresden and Jayden exchange a worried look. Glaring at them, I ignore Tristin’s offer of assistance, and turn Samson, swiftly riding away without waiting to see if they follow. Glad no one can see my face; I lose the ice slightly and close my eyes to collect myself. How could I do that to Tristin? The small part of me that refuses to embrace my new icy nature screams for me to embrace my connections and fix the damage I am doing to my family and friends. My heart hammers against my chest.

I cannot stay close to them, any of them, I tell that rebellious piece of myself over and over. I consciously have to slow my heartbeat and re-embrace the practical, icy side of myself. I cannot slip back into a weakling, I tell the small voice firmly. This is what is best for them. If something happens to me they won’t suffer from the broken connection.

I cannot afford to be incapacitated again from a broken connection either. I cannot jeopardize my mission; I remind the doubtful part of me. The more distant I can make myself the easier it will be. All that matters is Jon, and Grandfather’s last wish that I protect him. I will, to the death, and at whatever cost.